I am writing 60 blog entries over the course of my fundraising campaign which officially ends in 57 days. In this way I am chronicling my process as a female entrepreneur aspiring to launch a completely online solution to our current mental health crisis. I’ve decided to express in the achingly raw way I do in my Hummingbird Series. Honesty and expression through writing save my life, every day. But, I will say, I feel beholden to a certain “appropriate” air since I am coming at this as a professional. So fill in between the lines as you see fit.
Be careful of triggering language, and of course, feel free to comment. Or not.
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Entry: 1 of 60
It’s pretty hard to write, “Dear Self, I Love You.” There’s so much to not love.
“That’s so harsh!” You might say. Or maybe you heard yourself think, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
I’ve struggled with self love and identity ever since I was a little girl…even though I have a good family. I’m going to use this blog to sort through some of this sludge.
I told a dear friend recently that his compliments run off my back like water on feathers. Sorry, I don’t believe you. Wretched feathers. They used to be protective and self serving when people were horrible, but now they serve little purpose. But now, it seems, I have to become a member of another species. But I like my feathers.
I realized yesterday that part of the reason why I push-push-push for things to happen in my life is I am desperately trying to find value in my life, value in me. I also do things for others because I think others are far more valuable than me.
This all sounds so hollow and weird – but it still rings true.
I think I am most uncomfortable because I am now only surrounded by those who support me. Blessing of a transformed delinquent, perhaps. But it’s uncomfortable because it does not make sense; what I feel internally does not match up with your words.
I think my propensity to fall into isolation and weirdness has been magnified by my OBSESSION (ha) with our campaign to raise the funds to build our J2SYL Program website. We can’t move forward without these funds. Scary time. When everything rides on a particular event or thing like a campaign, it’s easy to get obsessed — but if I don’t use the coping skills we go over and over in our J2SYL program, then how on earth can I expect for the girls to do it?
So I sat down with my trusty journal last night, and I wrote. Then I felt guilty for focusing on me and not doing something “tangible” in the world. Then I forced myself to write again. Like we teach the girls, I spent time reconceptualizing how I was thinking about myself. Writing through all the rage and passion and focus made me feel like everything will be ok and ultimately relationships with people are what matters. Ok.
Then I was feeling anxious about being social with anyone…but I’ll write about social anxiety tomorrow. Social anxiety is a big part of my personal experience, and I want to write out how a girl might deal with a similar issue with our program.
Do you love yourself? Or are you fit with feathers?
Journal To Save Your Life
Mental Health is the Center of all Experience